Unsinkable Ships

Okay. First things first. Everyone is doing really well now. Cohen has slept through the night for the last THREE NIGHTS - HOORAY! He is being fed through his pump - fill 'er up! - all night long. He whimpers every once in a while, but goes back to sleep - sans screaming fit. The first night I thought it might be a fluke. The next night I was wishful thinking. Now, I'm convinced this might actually become a regular occurrence. So exciting! So yes, getting the tube "installed" was difficult, the hospital stay was no fun, but now that the tube's in place, he's become a different baby. It's like somebody flipped a switch and now he's back on: talking and relying on his thumb A LOT less (which could be why he's talking more) and moving his arms and legs more. So good to see! Now if we can only figure out why oh why he won't eat through his mouth... The beginning of next week we go in for chromosome testing to rule out any genetic syndromes. I will keep you posted!

Jenna and Hannah are doing well also. Hannah is so funny. She knows Cohen likes to pull hair so she leans down and actually offers a handful to him! She even smiles while he's yanking! That's love! :) Jenna is doing well at school, and she's almost done for the year. We just got her school pictures back yesterday and they are so cute. They caught her smiling, which took skills, I'm sure, cuz it's been difficult to catch those pearly whites on film lately. Usually, when you ask her to smile and say cheese!, she looks at you like you've lost your mind. And she almost always has her mouth hanging open the moment you snap the picture. We'll have to work on that! :)

Now onto something else...

I was tagged a while ago. I'm super late responding. I've been a heel about participating in the fun, so I figured better late than never. This one had to do with listing what I consider good songs. Hmmm... well, I have several different categories that I could draw from. I like a little bit of just about everything. Does that make me wishy-washy? Well, if it does, so be it! There's something somewhat... well... personal about sharing the music you love with people. Or maybe it's just me?

First, let me preface this with some background info. I grew up dancing. My mom owned a dance studio and I spent seemingly endless hours dancing around in front of a wall-to-wall mirror with music cranked up much louder than it could ever be at home. Or in the car. At least, not without blowing speakers, that is. I still enjoy music you can dance to, but unfortunately that kind of music is not particularly known for its meaningful messages, if you know what I mean! Some people like listening to quality instrumentals; well, I wouldn't really know the first thing about that, but I do know about music that speaks to me.

Honestly, my faith has been tested a lot in the past few years; ironically, it's one of the only things that gets me through. Probably the primary thing...or should be, at least. For this reason, I like listening to songs that remind me to dream and to remember I'm not alone in this crazy world. So, 'nuff said. Here's my list in no particular order:

• Fireflies by Faith Hill. This song is all about dreaming little dreams, and remembering the magic of childhood and imagination. Nothing has to be what it seems; it only has the meaning we give to it. The cool thing about this song? The songwriter was a housewife and sahm who wrote music in her spare time. She dreamed and cultivated her talent from the privacy of her own home, and her dream is now transformed into a song that millions of people know and are inspired by... including me. So, ladies, keep doing whatever it is that you do best, even if it is done while sitting in a mound of toys on your living room floor, or between loads of laundry that just won't stop, or at the soccer field while you're waiting for your little athlete to finish up practice! You never know what could happen.
• Do It Anyway by Martina McBride. Another song about dreaming, about going for it and not giving up when the going gets tough, even if it all seems impossible. It's about reaching for that goal even if it seems as though you can never possibly get there. God is great, but sometimes life ain't good...
• If Everyone Cared by Nickelback. I like the rough, rocker feeling of this song. It's a song you can yell to (ummm, in private maybe?) and it feels darn good to yell out something you believe in! It's about living life in a positive way. If everyone cared... then nobody'd die. Swallow your pride... love and not lie. All good messages. Hey, I don't get to rock out often and feel good about saying the lyrics! Maybe I'm a closet rock star?! Did I miss my calling? Have ya heard me sing? HAHA! :) "Singin' A-Amen, I'm ALIVE!"
• Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood. You've been reading my blog, right? Well, this song is basically my anthem! Although I still fight like crazy to drive my own route, this song reminds me that I'm not experienced enough, or knowledgeable enough, to go it alone.
• I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me, about meeting the maker, the ultimate dream. A very catchy melody, and it makes you think. What would you do if you were face-to-face with God? How would you react? My hubby loves this song, and he loves singing to it too! Maybe he missed his calling as well?! :)
• Anything on this CD. I know there are great versions of these worship songs, and multiple people sing them, but I don't know who sings them best. I only know that they are awesome when they are sung in church and the entire congregation is singing them together. Here I Am To Worship almost always makes me cry. I'm not sure why this particular song does that to me. I guess it has to do with becoming fully submissive and bowing down to something greater than you are. Humility. I remember one particular Sunday morning we sang this song in church after Jenna had been in the hospital and I cried buckets. It was cleansing in a way; a much-needed release after a huge amount of pent-up tension and a reminder that we weren't alone, that even though I was powerless to stop the pain and confusion Jenna suffered at the time, He was there with her. Amazing Love is another moving song about the ultimate love and sacrifice of Christ.

So that's it. My list. Or rather, my inspirational category list. I have other favorites, other categories. Like a dance category - I'll admit I listen to some hip-hop, mostly for the beat. Also some alternative rock, like Boston by Augustana or How to Save a Life by the Frey. Oh, and country - YES country - already proof of that in my list above. Just heard a song last night that I really like: The Impossible, by Joe Nichols.

Goes like this:

My dad chased monsters from the dark He checked underneath my bed An he could lift me with one arm Way up over top of his head He could loosen rusty bolts With a quick turn of his wrist He pulled splinters from his hand And never even flinched In thirteen years I'd never seen him cry But the day that grandpa died,I realized

Unsinkable ships sink Unbreakable walls break Sometimes the things you think could never happen Happens just like that Unbendable steel bends If the fury of the wind is unstoppable I've learned to never underestimate The impossible

And then there was my junior year Billy had a brand new car It was late,the road was wet I guess the curves was just too sharp I walked away without a scratch They brought the helicopter in And Billy couldn't feel his legs Said he'd never walk again But Billy said he would and his mom and daddy prayed And the day we graduated,he stood up to say:

Unsinkable ships sink Unbreakable walls break Sometimes the things you think could never happen Happens just like that Unbendable steel bends If the fury of the wind is unstoppable I've learned to never underestimate The impossible

So don't tell me that it's over Don't give up on you and me 'Cos there's no such thing as hopeless If you believe:

Unsinkable ships sink Unbreakable walls break Sometimes the things you think could never happen Happens just like that Unbendable steel bends If the fury of the wind is unstoppable I've learned to never underestimate The impossible

AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH?!

 
Then there's the ANCIENT category - HA! :) Like American Pie by Don McLean - it's amazing how one single song can chronicle the events of a time, kinda like We Didn't Start the Fire. Remember that song? And I almost forgot the musical category. Like West Side Story, Rent, Sunset Boulevard, Phantom of the Opera, 42nd Street, or the crude, but ingenious comedy, Urinetown (spoof of Our Town?). I also loved the soundtrack to Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, before the Shakira song became popular! Something about the Cuban flavor...

So, you wouldn't believe the variety of my playlist. Or maybe you would now that I gave you a glimpse!

Am I supposed to tag someone now? Oh, well. Everyone I would tag has been tagged already, since I'm SO DARN LATE responding!

The Case of the Renegade Hippo

We're ho-ome!

Cohen is doing well; we are all doing well. It's fairly easy to feed him through the tube. I'll post more about this later. For now? Another kid story. I need a break!

What was that TV show - Kids say the darnedest things? Or something? I'm going to go out on a limb and say kids think the darnedest things too. They obviously live in an alternate universe, otherwise known as la-la land, where things are never what they seem. Or rather, things are there, but then again, they're really not. Am I confusing you yet? Hence, the premise for the big purple thing they call Barney. Why do kids actually like this show? Imagine, Imagine!... *clears throat*... So anyways, this alien-producing (HA!), la-la land creates a conversational divide between munchkins and their older, wiser counterparts (aka: boring old fogies with no patience for that which really does not exist!) that drives us INSANE when we're trying to figure out what they're talking about! Know what I mean? What do you mean there's a monster in your closet? Why are you talking to yourself? Oh, you're talking to your friend? And he has a name? And a dog? And he wants to talk to me? How nice! Tell him mommy can't talk right now, she's too busy trying to understand her crazy kid! :)

I don't know. Maybe I just didn't have a wild imagination when I was a child. Maybe I'm strange (hey, you! Shush!) but I feel like I'm cheating my child when I give her FAKE food to play with. Really! Why do kids like that stuff? I mean, who wants to pretend to bite into a yummy piece of chocolate cake? Or a juicy strawberry? What a tease! Yes, playing with plastic culinary contraptions beats eating great food any day! Any day! Woohoo! Let me salivate for the fun of it, please! That's like window shopping with no money. Or watching someone else get a relaxing massage after you just had a muscle-aching workout. Ummm, well, okay, I'm getting carried away, aren't I?

So the other night I ran over to Walgreens to pick up a prescription. I was tired, overwhelmed and facing another sleepless night with Mr. Hungry (post ng tube, pre g-tube). I was sick of running in circles, exhausted from thinking too much.

I pull into the drive and think home again, but I'm not relieved; instead, my shoulders sag from the weight of it all and I'm reluctant to dive back in. I slowly uncurl my fingers from the steering wheel, flex them a few times to get the circulation back, and open the door to head on in.

As soon as I walk through the front door I see my MIL - she looks exasperated, tired, and a bit perplexed. Then Hannah pops into view over the back of the couch. Her eyebrows arch in concern. She's obviously worried about something and I just can't WAIT to hear what it is!

"Mom, mom! Behind you! Mom, right there!" Her pointer finger jabs in the air in my direction and I think she's about to dislocate her elbow.

"She's been doing this for over an hour," MIL says, with a sideways glance at our resident drama queen. "I don't know what to do." MIL shrinks back down in the couch; Hannah stands taller than ever, or seems to at least.

"Mom, watch out!" She's serious; I'm seriously worried.

I look behind me to humor her.

"What? There's nothing there," I say.

"Right there! Right THERE! Can you see it? Can you? Can you?"

See what? What in the world is she talking about? I slowly turn about, looking for anything amiss. Nada. Of course. Except my child's overactive imagination. Maybe.

MIL pokes her head back over the couch. "She thinks she sees something over there, but I've walked over there several times looking for, well, I don't know what, but I don't see anything."

"MOOOOMMMM!" She looks at me as though I'm the two-year-old, and I imagine all the fun we'll have through her teenage years! Mom, I want --no, I need-- to have *insert something totally unnecessary that all the 'cool' kids have*! Mom, why are you embarrassing me? Mom, stop trying to act cool, it's sssoooo not working! No hugs, no kisses, Mom - we're in public for crying out loud!!!

Oh, and wouldn't it be so awesome if she had to tell me not to borrow her clothes? If I actually fit into them?! Or vise versa? *wishful thinking* :)

So anyways. She sees something. She's freaking out. I'm wondering how to calm her the heck down.

"Behind you, Mom! Mom, behind your back! Turn around, Mom!" (How many times can a child say MOM in a minute, anyways?)

Okay, I'm frustrated. Grit-your-teeth, patience out the window FRUSTRATED.

"What?! WHAT DO YOU SEE? HUH? WHAT?"

"Mom, it's a--"

Well, what are you thinking about now? Any good ideas? Oh, DUH! I guess my title gave it away :) So much for guessing...
My kid thinks she sees a 5,000 pound Hippo in our living room. Yeah, that's right. A Hippo! What next? A purple dinosaur? A freight train?

We're not in Africa, I tell her then assure here there are no Hippos here!

But she argues. Insists. Argues. Insists.

It's there. She's certain.

Then she says, "Hippo's happy. He's smiling," but as she says this, she starts to shake as if she's scared. I'm a bit creeped out myself.

But then I'm thinking we have a very lucrative future ahead of us on some major Hollywood set. Serious Oscar potential. Hello, America! Presenting the next Dakota Fanning!

"Yeah, she had me going, too," MIL says.

I think, hmmm. Let's roll with it, see what happens. So I decide to egg her on. I know, bad, right? :)

"So what does this hippo look like?"

"His ears here," she says, then indicates the exact spot where a hippos ears would be - not quite on top of the head like a bunny's, dog's or cat's, but diagonal and round like a, well, hippo's, "and his nose," she continues as she gestures the whole front of her face where a hippo's big ol' nose would be, "and his mouth!" With this, she draws a line in the air across her chin. Wow, great memory, I think as I realize that her gestures could potentially match a hippo's features -- if my kid was a hippo, that is.

"Is this hippo your friend?"

"No..." she says, like I'm an idiot and she's scowling at my obvious faux pas. "He's smiling! He's happy! He's right there BEHIND YOU! TURN AROUND!" She's getting hysterical now and her voice is getting really, really loud.

MIL and I exchange glances. MIL shrugs; I mouth weird. She nods in assent.

Then she says, "Horsey's there, behind you. Right there in the 'leven' room! And he's smiling."

Okay, enough already! I pick her up and walk towards the spot she's complaining about. She shivers in my arms and cowers down into my armpit.

"Look, there's nothing here. Just a bag on the floor," I say, showing her Jenna's school backpack still by the door.

"Oh," she says and giggles with feigned - or so I think - embarrassment.

Later, I mull this over. I think: my kid is good; she's got skills! She has me curious. Where did this whole Hippo obsession come from? And why-oh-why is she so unrelenting? And why did the Hippo suddenly become a horse?

Well, I got curious about Hippos. I googled them and learned the following - which you might already know, but my degree-rendering education did not teach me:

Hippopotamus comes from two Greek words meaning "River Horse."

River Horse.

Am I reaching here? Maybe. Probably!

But there is no way she could have known this. I didn't even know this.

Coincidence? Or...?

I'll let you decide.

And yes, this really happened.

The magic of la-la land.

Quick Update

Well, I'm home for a few hours to spend some time with Hannah (and Jenna when she gets home from school) and I thought I would do a quick post because Hannah's been sleeping since I got here (of course!).

Cohen had a G-Tube placed in his tummy yesterday. He is finally waking up from the anesthesia/pain meds and is recovering nicely. He opened his eyes earlier today and I realized how much I missed those baby blues! Seeing them again was really reassuring. We fed him his first feeding by tube this afternoon and he went back to sleep immediately after his belly was full :) It felt so great to satisfy his hunger after so many days of struggle. Hopefully he can come home tomorrow if all goes well today. In the meantime, I am on hiatus this afternoon to see my girls while daddy sits with his son. I've really missed them. It's so darn difficult to divvy up time so all three kiddos get quality mommy attention! But I guess it's always that way when you're the mom of multiple children, right? *sigh* I thank God for my mother-in-law! If it wasn't for her presence, things would be so overwhelming right now. She's made a huge difference just by being here and by helping with the girls.

I will post more as soon as we get home and are settled in - maybe Saturday? Hope you all are doing well.

A Lifeline!

Hannah and I played hide-n-seek earlier today. Took her forever to find me, but it got me thinking about other good hiding spots in our house. We have a really large master bedroom closet - so big, in fact, that it could become a bedroom. Could even fit a twin bed, maybe two, length-wise. It doesn't have a lock on the door, but the backed-up laundry (that I'm just clamoring to catch up on) just might make the perfect barricade! Yes! The perfect hideaway when 3am rolls around and all three kids are up for a late-night party! Woohoo! Aren't you jealous?!

We've had one heck of a week and you're about to get the dish, with lots of pictures to go along with it.

Let's see... where did I leave you last? Oh, that's right. MRI. Well, that didn't happen like we expected. I was getting just enough sleep to barely function - a problem when you're mommy! - and by Thursday I was running on exhaust fumes. Cohen still wouldn't eat except to nurse, and for some reason that wasn't working out so well anymore, either. His 4-hour-long screamfests were becoming a regular nightly occurrence and I was feeling very inadequate as a mother. I couldn't make him happy and I was frustrated, sad, and desperate for some help.

His pediatrician agreed to see him on Thursday morning and told me to bring in a bottle. And surprise! She could not get him to eat, either. In addition, he hadn't gained weight in over a month. This was not good news. We went to the GI doc the next day, where we discovered that Cohen had lost a half a pound overnight! The GI doc came up with a fantastic plan: send us home with some supplemental formula and reflux medication. I began to cry like an idiot. Please understand: I was so tired I dreaded another sleepless night. I was even so tired that on the way to this appointment I drove right past the doctor's office and had to flip a u-ey. Then I took the elevator up to the wrong floor. I even lost my parking ticket in my rush.

In spite of all this drama, I tried to make some sense as I pointed out to him why sending us home with solutions we must administer BY MOUTH would not work. Hello?! And I didn't even go to med school!

Oh, right, he says.

To the hospital you go.

So, we go across the street to the children's hospital where they insert a feeding tube in Cohen's nose and stick an IV in his little foot. I paced the floor while they did this and he screamed like a madman. Took three nurses to hold my little guy still! I tried really hard not to start balling - again!

Fueling the Tank:

Nutrition on Tap!


And watch out!

The deadly weapon-- er, IV -- in his foot. Seriously!
Proceed with caution: handle at your own risk! :)


Two little monkeys...So cute, right?

And aaahhhh...
...sleepy at last!

So we stayed in the hospital from Friday to Sunday. During this time Cohen got some necessary nutrition while his mommy lost some weight! Ha! I thought hospital food gripe was just hype. Guess I was really just spoiled by our last hospital. No joke: this hospital wasted no money on actually adding flavor to the food. Guess they consider that a luxury? And every meal contained a crusty wheat roll. And to drink? Coffee (which I don't like) and iced tea (which I don't like). And always, always, there was sticky coffee all over the utensils from the hot liquid sloshing over the side of the poorly capped cup en route!!! But I couldn't complain. Oh no! This was charity people! After all, I'm only "mom," not patient and completely at their mercy! :)

I took a quick picture of the tasty cuisine. Doesn't look that bad, you say? Well, looks can be deceiving.

There was unidentified fluid floating on my ham, cardboard filler in the strawberry shortcake, limp leaves in my salad and that yellow stuff? They called it "corn souffle" - I kid you not. More like cotton souffle!

But back to my story... Cohen had a rough night Friday. He screamed for hours like he did at home. I was desperate for relief. I thought the hospital could help him but I was told there was nothing more they could do. I was thinking tylenol or pain meds or sleep meds or... but NO! I was wound tight and still sick with allergies, and those two things combined triggered an asthma attack - while my baby was screaming his head off in my arms! The nurse made a gracious appearance and told me she knew what it was like to be tired. She has kids and works full time. I bit my tongue before I said anything inappropriate.

Room with a view.

Of the parking garage.
Lovely!

Saturday morning? Off to MRI. They sedated him, then sent me roaming through the hospital ON MY OWN, hunting for the pediatric surgery waiting room on a completely different floor. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find it, or that I'd end up in the wrong room and they wouldn't be able to find me if there was an emergency, or when they needed to take me to his side in recovery.

At this point, I really wanted someone to talk to, but I realized I did not have my cell phone. Craig accidentally took off with it. A simple mistake, I know, but still! That was my only lifeline to the outside world! My link to normalcy! As I sat in what I hoped was the right waiting room, I was alone and worried, with nothing but the depressing news channel and some uninteresting magazines to distract me.

But guess what? The best news EVER came out of that wait!

We learned that Cohen's MRI was normal! No damage; no insult to the brain. NORMAL!! YAY! PRAISE GOD!

So now, here we are, at home and plugged in to a lifeline - a 20 HOUR a day drip straight down to the belly, with only a 4 hour break each day. We're still waiting to find out why he won't eat well, but he has a swallow study on Monday. Meanwhile, we have nurses stopping by three times a week (and I love these nurses - they are awesome, friendly and surprisingly helpful!), and Craig's mom flew in from out of state for some extra physical - and moral - support.

Plugged in.

But nothing can hold him down! ;)

My two guys together on a 4 hour break...

Daddy's tired, but relieved!

Oh, and I can't leave out my other two kiddos cuz they kept us busy too. It's true what they say: when it rains, it pours!

Jenna got sick over the weekend while we were at the hospital and it really bugged me that I couldn't be there for her. When I got home, she looked like this:

Yeah, I know. She looks sooo miserable, doesn't she? But, alas, it was nothing some eye drops and antibiotics couldn't cure. Thankfully, she was feeling better in no time and was able to return to school on Thursday.

And Hannah? Turns out she was struggling a bit, too. On Wednesday she was busy playing when suddenly she stopped and looked at me with big, blue, puppy dog eyes.

"Mommy," she said. "I'm having a bad day." Her mouth drooped in the corners as she lowered her chin to her chest and stared at the ground. I thought she was going to cry.

My heart melted. I thought, maybe she's attention-deprived, so I came up with an idea. Girls night out! We would get out of the house together, just the two of us (if Jenna actually wanted to go, I would have taken her too). First, we would go get my cell phone charger cuz I left it at the hospital - hey, I know what you're thinking, but we actually had a nice time doing this! - and then, we would get something to eat.

Before long, we were off!

I love parking on the top level of parking garages - usually barely anyone up there - so I pulled into a space on the fifth level just as the sun was setting behind the blanket of trees surrounding us. It was a nice evening; a little cool, but not cold. Not cloudy, either. I took Hannah over to the edge of the concrete monstrosity and showed her the lights and buildings out in the distance. For some reason it felt so peaceful up there (I know, I know. I SERIOUSLY need a vacation!!!) :) After a deep sigh and a moment of silence, we headed inside.

At the nurses' station we wait as a nurse - I'm not kidding - pulls out a mass of about 30 tangled chargers from a drawer! Unfortunately, none of them were mine; fortunately, though, there's more! They're coming out of the woodwork and after a short search, we eventually find the right one. Have you ever stayed in a hospital? If so, did you leave your cell phone charger there? Seems like I'm not the only one, but one of MANY, to do so. It was pretty funny, so we all had a few laughs. Laughter is great medicine! And sweet relief! :)

As we walked out of the hospital, I experienced a tidal wave of several different emotions. I missed people back home: family, friends... The previous few days finally began to sink in. I mean, you go along not really thinking about what's happening much and then BAM! The thoughts rush in at once. I thought I was okay, thought that it wasn't that different being here in a new place, but in reality, it was really lonely in that hospital room with just me and Cohen and a million concerns raging through my head. No breaks, no trips to the cafeteria with a visitor I could vent with! We did have a visitor who brought comfort food, though, which was great considering I was STARVING - HA! :) Back home someone would have relieved Craig by watching the girls so he could come visit me. Maybe I just need to learn to ask for help... I don't know. Jenna's hospitalization was difficult; Cohen's pushed us even harder. I wanted to cry, but I caught myself, swallowed the lump in my throat, and smiled. The tiny hand holding tightly onto mine reminded me that I was not the only person going through this! It was a rough time for all of us.

After the hospital, it was Chuck-E-Cheese time! Pizza and games - YAY! It was late by now and there weren't very many people there; in fact, we sorta closed the place but I liked it that way. At first, I thought it was a bust - my heart fell as Hannah cried and ran from the dancing animals. This didn't last very long, however. After a while she warmed up and seemed to enjoy it all. We won tickets, picked out prizes, and she was so proud of herself! I must admit, I was proud of myself too - I even gave myself mommy kudos for intuiting her needs and giving her the attention she wanted! But it turns out I wasn't as intuitive as I thought (You saw this coming, didn't you?)

The next day Hannah was not quite herself, and by the end of the day she was obviously dragging. I sat with her as I tried to figure out what was wrong. It didn't take long. She sighed and leaned into my arms. "Mommy, I wish this was ober," she said, then buried her head in my chest.

A few seconds later she threw up. And kept throwing up.

This really happened.

I kid you not.

Happily, we are all doing much better now, and hopefully it won't take me so long to post again! I probably made so many errors writing this, and if so, I apologize. Guess I shouldn't try this when tired, although, in my defense, if I had waited until I wasn't tired it would have been days before I posted and then I would have forgotten some stuff. Oh well.

Spring is in the Air... and Something Else, Too!

Spring is in the air.

So is a lot of other junk that's just making me sick. Literally.

Spring = ALLERGIES = a whole lotta sneezing and coughing = BIG TIME FUN!

I used to be one of those people who enjoyed the beautiful flowers, bright sunshine and fresh green grass; they are the ENEMY now. Oh yes, the enemy. My ears are so plugged up I feel like I'm underwater. This annoys me. (But then again, it really helps when the kid concert breaks out in my living room - Jenna knows only one volume: LOUD, AMPLIFIED!)

Spring has not lost its magic for my girls yet, though, which is a good thing... I think. My youngest princess is in awe of the blooming beauty that surrounds her. So much in awe, in fact, that she wants to take a piece of it with her wherever she goes. She is the flower bandit, and she's quick! She doesn't discriminate, they're all hers for the taking as far as she's concerned. Flowers, flowers everywhere. She collected them all day as we ran errands, gave them names, assigned them families and kissed them until they withered - now I've got a bunch of dead weeds in the backseat of my brand new car to show for it. That and a coupla rocks she added in for good measure.

It wasn't so bad until we went to Olive Garden for lunch. She hit paydirt there. There's a big, big flower garden surrounding the entire building. Oh, Boy! Perfect for slyly snagging some greens as you're walking past - especially if you're two feet tall. Before I realized what she was doing, we were inside and she was showing off her "bood-e-full" flowers to the hostesses. Ummm...embarrassing!

Then tonight. She's sitting on the couch. I can't see her, but I can hear her. She's having a full-on conversation and I catch snippets.

"Go away, please. Please! Go away!" she says. Okay, goosebumps on my arms; at this point I'm having a Sixth-Sense moment.

I peer over the couch and notice her looking straight ahead and waving her hand frantically in front of her face while she keeps repeating the same things. As I'm standing there seriously wondering if my kid has an imaginary friend or a loose screw (!) or two, she sees me looking at her. She shrugs. I'm thinking all that pollen got to her brain. I wait, cuz I just know something brilliant is going to come out of her mouth.

"I got hiccups."

Huh?

What?

Hiccups? Does this mean my kid was shooing away her hiccups?! Well, turns out that's exactly what she was doing. So even though I'm kinda glad it wasn't an imaginary friend or a loose screw :) it's still kinda... well, weird. I can see it now: the bathroom door. A little voice behind it going "yes, that's it. you can do it! Come out, come out wherever you are!" HAHA! I mean, since when do kids talk to their bodily functions?! Well, mine does. But then again, she'll talk to anything.

After all, she was talking to her flowers all day :)

Another Day Waiting

You will not believe this! As I sit here typing away, I am waiting for our THIRD trip to the Imaging place to get Cohen's MRI. That will happen in about...oh...3 hours. Until then, I am going to keep this boy up whether he likes it or not!!! After all, he always keeps me up so it's his turn! :)

The place we're going to does not like to sedate children under 1 year old. Well, I don't like it either, but I wish someone would have told me that before Sunday night/early Monday morning when I STARVED HIM (not really, but it felt like it!) for 9 hours!!! They tell me all of this stuff after I get to the waiting room, sign in and pay my copay. Then they try to act supportive, offering sympathetic smiles and saying they hope he sleeps through the HOUR long scan. "Me too" I say as I smile and grit my teeth.

The most frustrating part? I already know this isn't going to work. He's hungry, and what baby wants to sleep when they're hungry? But of course, I don't have time to feed him, they say, because they're booked. Booked?! After I just starved my son (not really, but it felt like it!) all night and dragged his cranky butt out in the cold morning air, braving the morning commuters clamoring for their spot on the road to get him there on time and alive! (ha! those crazy morning drivers, late to work and heavy on the gas and attitude!). I think about clearing out the waiting room and schedule (to make room for us) and I hatch a brilliant scheme (okay, probably not, but humor me!) . I'd pull the hood of my sweatshirt up over my head, do some Sanjaya impersonations (sorry if you're a fan) in a really loud, horrible, obnoxious voice and run around the waiting room winking at everyone like they're the camera and I'm bringing sexy back!!! but I decide that wouldn't go over too well and certainly wouldn't guarantee a spot on the exam table (well, maybe for me but not for Cohen!HAHA), so, alas, we reschedule until today *sigh*

Well, this morning we are set. We make it over there early and I feed him and rock him to sleep. But my little guy is not feeling the oh-so-cushy (not really) table/bed. As soon as we get him in there, secure beneath the straps, he wakes right up. Of course! Take away his thumb and you are asking for trouble! That's like trying to take away Paris Hilton's Sidekick. Not gonna happen. So, at this point, I'm starting to think we need a different battle strategy. They say let's try just ONE more time. I agree to try, but only because I really don't want him to have to go through sedation (and an IV needle). So, we wait. And wait. And go back yet again.

And, well, he's starting to whimper because he's tired and unhappy :( but I'm not giving up the fight! We will get this done.

Eventually.

Now, I think I'll go do that impersonation for him. Might calm him down as he wonders what in the heck is up with his mommy.

Tomorrow, You're Only a Day Away...

I was going to tell you about our Easter. I was even going to post pictures. Later.

I'm scared. I thought I was okay with this MRI business, but... well, turns out I'm not. Not really.

Tomorrow is imaging day. We will know after tomorrow what our little guy is up against. I guess it's one thing to deal with the delays day by day not really knowing the extent of things until they gradually unfold, giving you time to adjust. It's altogether different when you receive a sudden, in-your-face, irrevocable prognosis that will alter the way you think because you'll know. You'll worry. You'll wonder what it all means.

Could be that he's okay, that I've been worrying for nothing. If that's the case, I will be SO relieved! If not, then undeniable deja vu. Honestly, it's been a long road with Jenna. I know it won't be easy, but we're evolving and adjusting constantly. I am praying for help. I am hoping for the best. God wouldn't give us more than we can handle, I know.

Ironically, though, I'm not as afraid of the diagnosis as I am of myself.

I love my little guy and I don't want anything to be wrong with him. I don't want him to suffer like Jenna has. My kids mean the world to me.

What Are You Thinking?

The other night, my husband and I actually had some time to watch TV together. I know, shocking. Well, it figures there weren't many options we could agree upon, but in our channel-surfing we stumbled upon the turn-of-the-Millennium classic, What Women Want. When I first saw this movie back in 2000 I thought it was funny, but there was nothing exceptionally memorable about it. Strange how you can watch the same movie at different points in your life and be struck by something unique each time. The first time I watched it, Jenna would have been two years old. Definitely wouldn't have noticed the same details then, but I'll tell you what it brought to mind this time.

I thought about how badly I wanted to communicate with my first baby. How, when she was little, I longed to feel her little arms wrap around my neck, longed to feel the warmth of her breath as her tiny mouth whispered "I love you" in my ear. I wanted to watch her splash around in the bathtub and, yes, make a huge slippery mess on the bathroom floor. I wanted her to recognize the comfort of my embrace as she nestled beneath the covers, wanted her to feel cozy and safe in the crook of my arm while I read her a bed-time story. I wanted normalcy: discipline problems and playgroups and a sparkle of recognition in her eyes when she saw her birthday gifts colorfully displayed on the table, or her Christmas presents artfully arranged under the tree. I wanted her to ask about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I wanted her to ask the why questions so I could show her just how smart her mommy is :) and yes, become a role model for her. I didn't know how to respond to this little human being who couldn't let me into her world, who couldn't tell me what she was thinking.

So when I watched this movie, I started to wonder about how Jenna thinks. See, in this movie (for those of you who haven't seen it), Mel Gibson gets electrocuted and something bizarre happens: he's able to hear women's thoughts. Whether he's passing them on the street or staring them down in the conference room, he's able to look at them and know exactly what they're thinking. Sometimes I've longed to have this super-power, but then I wonder how much it would help me communicate with Jenna. I mean, think about it. Now, while you're thinking, think about HOW you're thinking. Bet you're thinking in sentences. Or at least with words. But what happens when your vocabulary is limited to basic needs, like "I want to eat," or "Lay down now," or an all-time favorite, "Watch TV NOW!"? How do you make sense of your world if you can't use language as your crutch? Babies communicate very simply. They cry when they're hungry, dirty, tired or hurting. They feel these needs, they don't just think them. That's fine when you're a baby and no one expects things of you like sorting blocks or coloring in the lines, counting coins or going potty on the toilet. That stuff takes effort. It takes order.

Even if I could hear Jenna's thoughts, what, exactly, would I hear? Words pulled from memory, colliding with one another in a frenzied attempt to make sense within her brain? Or an intrusive buzzing noise distracting her from her thought process, exasperating her ability to think beyond its persistent presence? How confusing the world must be for her. How difficult the simple tasks of everyday living. I've never really thought about language's pervasive role in our thinking process, but this movie served as a reminder. I mean, how could Mel have known what these women were thinking if he didn't share their vocabulary? Their language system?

At one point in the movie, Mel walks by a girl jogging in the park who wonders if she turned her coffee pot off. I don't drink coffee, but I can remember leaving the house in a rush, then wondering if I left the garage door open. And I remember the embarrassment I felt when I had to ask someone to head over and check for me! I hope Jenna thinks these complex thoughts someday. I hope she wonders if she left her coffee pot on, or her garage door open, and I hope - if that day comes - she's able to call me for help.

Because I would gladly - GLADLY! - go check for her!