Thinking Too Much

I'm having a strange day.

Craig had to go to SF, Cali, and I took all three kids to Jenna's eye appointment by myself. It went pretty well, as soon as Jenna caught sight of herself in one of the many mirrors set up around the eyewear displays. I've never met a kid more enamored with her own image before :) We got some really cute frames for her. I always enjoy picking them out. But as we were leaving, Jenna became my unpredictable little renegade and took off down the sidewalk, lost in - what else?! - her reflection in the shop windows. I finally caught her while keeping an eye on the other two, so no harm was done, except for a little frustration and breathlessness. Whew!

It's like I'm already tense before I step foot out of my house for an appointment anymore. Or maybe just thinking about going to appointment does it!? But like I said, it went well considering, so maybe I should just RELAX already!

I have so much on my mind lately, it's kinda hard to focus on any one thing. I'm starting a teacher credential program two days a week, beginning Saturday. Craig is all for it, actually the one who came up with the plan in the first place, but I am so funny - I was excited at the thought, then had mucho anxiety about clicking on the "submit" button to send over my payment, for several reasons. First and foremost, Cohen still won't take a bottle - not even of my milk. We've been trying, and like my other two very determined children, he's stubborn as can be. I've never had this problem before - Jenna and Hannah would take my milk in a bottle with no problem. I don't want him to miss me when he's hungry, but I know if he's hungry enough, he'll take the bottle... Secondly, I'm nervous about rushing into something right now with the many changes we've all gone through in the past few months, while at the same time I'm excited about meeting new people, learning some new things, and getting out of the house. Thirdly, I'm suffering premature guilt at the thought of working and wanting to get out of the house (I know I'm seriously contradicting myself here). I feel like I'm being selfish if I work when I don't absolutely have to. On the other hand, I know if I work, we can achieve our goals much more quickly, and my family will benefit in the long run. But then again, I'm well aware that no amount of money can bring back missed moments with my children.

Have I got your head spinning yet?

Another major change occurred today: we started Jenna on some anxiety medication. Honestly, I have mixed emotions about this also - surprise, surprise! :) On the one hand, I want her life to be as full as possible, filled with more happiness and more life experiences in general. But every time we go somewhere that's intended to be fun for her, she usually ends up melting down. I can't imagine living life like that... but I'm trying to; hence, the medication. I'm optimistic, but not so much so that a letdown would be a long way to fall. And as if we didn't have enough to think about, at the neurology appointment yesterday the doctor heard Jenna snorting - something she does a lot lately - and mentioned a possible vocal tick... well, let's just add something else to the list!

And to top it all off, I got a report from the Speech therapist at Jenna's school today in preparation for her annual educational evaluation/assessment meeting tomorrow and as always, I'm feeling a bit sad because of its contents. I know her limitations already, but seeing them written up in a report by someone confirming them is a hard dose of reality all over again. I'm being silly, I know, but sometimes I think I have to allow myself to let it all hit home again. I'm not sure why...

So, this post is not too uplifting. Sorry about that. Just needed to get it all out, somehow.

My friend keeps reminding me that God never said it would be easy - He only said it would be worth it! Okay. I know we're not alone. Sometimes I wonder why God entrusted us with this, but Jenna is inspiring us all to be more understanding of others, to have compassion and not be so quick to judge. You never know what personal struggles other people may be experiencing...

So it seems we can learn a lot from these kids who struggle to comprehend our world. I thank God for our blessing; Jenna helps make us whole, if that makes any sense.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.